Riding the Elephant

Riding the Elephant

A Guide for Leading a Non-profit

“An emotionally intelligent rider knows how to distract and coax the elephant without having to engage in a contest of wills.”

Nate Klarfeld

Since leaving the position of Board Chair for the Stonewall Library & Archives I have been deluged with many local and national non-profit leaders and paid staff asking me for advice. Through blessed volunteers, a stellar new executive director and development manager, luck, and some very hard work, during my administration The Stonewall became a national GLBT treasure with innovative national touring exhibitions in a new home in a publicly supported space. During some of the most trying economic times we raised through public and private donations an unheard of $700,000.00 in less than two years while maintaining a program of over 20 programs a month, organizing touring exhibitions, and sponsoring a national festival of GLBT writers.

OK, now my arm is sore from patting myself on the back. The truth is a Board Chair’s accomplishments are dependent on his volunteer board, the paid staff, the planetary alignment of governmental support, and his or hers willingness to what I call “Ride the Elephant.”

Human thinking depends on metaphors. We understand new or complex things in relation to our understanding of something we already know.

This metaphor of riding an elephant came to me a year or so after I left my term limited tenure at The Stonewall. I had already had lunch, dinner, walks, late night conversations with no less than eight different executive directors, presidents of boards, and disgruntled donors of various non profits both straight and gay. I looked back at my experiences and while watching TV one night, I saw a man riding an elephant and suddenly the parallels popped out.

If you try and ride an elephant you quickly learn that you can’t make it do what it doesn’t want to do. The rider can pull the reigns, scream, prod the lovely beast, but ultimately you will end up with a disgruntled animal and a worn out rider. The first thing the rider of the elephant must know is 1) He or she can see things from a little bit higher perspective than the elephant 2) He or she can talk to other elephant riders 3) He or she can read maps. That about sums up the skills of a Board Chair of non profits. If you try to make the elephant do something it does not want to do…YOU WILL ALWAYS LOSE.

In riding the elephant you and the elephant both learn to adapt. An elephant can achieve more tasks and move more cargo with a good rider who helps the elephant make better choices. Gently coaxing the elephant in your desired direction with immediate and relevant positive reinforcement will benefit both rider and elephant. An emotionally intelligent rider knows how to distract and coax the elephant without having to engage in a contest of wills.

The rider cannot decide to change and then order the elephant to go along with the program. Remember that if you go head to head with the elephant you will always lose. Lasting change comes from advising, listening, observing the jungle before starting out on the journey.

In the end, both you and the elephant will be better for the relationship.

Have a peaceful week

Nate Klarfeld

The Power of Intention

The Power of Intention

How powerful are our minds? One of the clichés of the 1960’s was that we only use ten percent of our brain power. Fifty years later we have psychoneuroimmunology, metaphysical studies by MIT engineers that prove we have power over inanimate objects, and even Oprah tells us The Secret is believe it and you can achieve it.

But can we? If someone sweet and kind dies of cancer do we now quietly accuse them of not having a positive attitude? When a business fails, a real estate deal goes sour, or a love affair doesn’t blossom, we have a new tendency to blame the victim in a pernicious and indefensible way; He or she just didn’t have the right attitude about it. They didn’t keep positive energy up. The danger in this new instant judgment is that most of the time it is not only wrong, but it hurts. Shit happens people! And it’s not what happens to you. It’s how you react to it that makes you a valuable person.

I do believe that your self-talk, self-image, behavior feedback system does affect your day to day outcomes. If you wake up and tell yourself you are ugly/fat/lazy you will look in the mirror and ‘see’ yourself that way. Your behavior; slouched shoulders, bad food choices (why bother?), attitudes towards others all play into this feedback system. The power to change lies in the power of intention. Do you really want to change? Or are you getting enough support from yourself and others around you NOT to change. Are all of your friends underemployed, in toxic or non existing relationships? Chances are you will find this your new equilibrium and new normal. The longer you stay with this circle of bad self-talk, poor self-image, repetitive bad behavior, the more people with like minds you will attract and you begin to live in this well of misery loves company…and you get a lot of both.

I recently finished the P90X home fitness routine. I found it a bit boring, but stayed with it for the 90 days. The results were great. My body looks and feels years younger. I loaned the program to a few friends, neither of whom ever opened the box. They saw my results, knew it only took 45 minutes a day, and I gave it to them FREE! Two other friends ordered the program (a couple of hundred dollars with the equipment) and have committed themselves to the project. What’s the difference? Are the two friends I loaned the program to lazy? Not really? But in giving it to them free, there was no commitment, they had nothing to lose, so they lost nothing. We are all afraid of loss. Every time we enter into a transaction we lose something in order to gain something. It could be money, time, love, etc. The intention of giving something (money) creates a new power in our minds so that we want to get something in return. (By the way the two friends that didn’t open the program said they would join a gym because they needed people around them, so far they are still ‘looking’ for the right gym)

There is nothing out there new, just new ways of looking at them.

Have a peaceful week

Nate Klarfeld

The Four Agreements?? The Four Addictions..

The Four Addictions

I've discovered four addictions we all have that destroy more dreams, more hopes and more lives than alcohol, drugs, food, gambling or sex combined. When I refer to addictions, I am not focused on any of these. To me, those are habitual symptoms or effects brought on by four much larger causes that are the root cause of those symptoms.

They are:

1) The Addiction to opinions of other people. As a society, we're addicted to what others think about us and how others' views of the world affect us.

2) The Addiction to drama. Some people are drawn to and consumed by any event or situation that occupies their thoughts and fills their mind with negativity, which often brings attention to them in unproductive ways.

3) The Addiction to the past. These people have an unhealthy attachment to events or situations that have occurred in the past. They're stuck in how things used to be.

4) The Addiction to worry. This addiction is comprised of all the negative and self-defeating thoughts that make us anxious, disturbed, upset and stressed, that hold us back in life.

Movies

cruise file 2010

It DOES Matter What You Do When No One Is Watching

It DOES Matter What You Do When No One Is Watching

(Interconnectiveness, Quantum Mechanics and The Kabbalah)

Every since childhood we have been toying with the question of good vs. evil. From being praised as a ‘good’ boy or girl; to making choices with an angel and devil on our shoulders we are constantly fighting the demons of right and wrong and what the consequences of our actions will be.

Religion, especially Christianity, threatens us with an afterlife of eternal hell if we make too many wrong choices. Eastern religions believe in Karma, or a goodness/badness bank that we make deposits in the present to be rewarded or punished in the future.

Quantum mechanics, the science of sub atomic particles and how they affect each other tells us that there is communication between electrons on a level we can’t measure, and if we try to measure it, the electron itself changes. This interconnection of all, at the subatomic level with all things being infinitely interconnected , is a radical new way of viewing the universe.

The writings of Kabbalah, The Zohar, talks about a connectedness between all things in the universe and our separation and closing off of this is the source of our pain. Fighting with our demons rather than accepting them and working with them contributes to a chronic low grade dissatisfaction and unhappiness. In the midst of chaos, turmoil and negativity, some people hide from their feelings and close access to their hearts. Other people react with profound faith, open hearts, and a committed courage to go on.

Now back to the title of this rant. “It DOES Matter What You Do When No One Is Watching.” Our daily news seems filled with people who thought their actions were never going to see the light of day. Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton are just a few of the examples of getting caught. But what about the actions that we never hear about that are occur and impact the energy field? Do all actions affect a person good or bad? Lao Tzu teaches us “you cannot step in the same river twice”. The world is constantly changing and you and every organism in it changes the world in its own way.

What is occupying your thinking right now? Much of it is concerned with past actions that you feel you were mistreated or that you made a mistake. Worries about the future, the economy, and politics occupy a large part of our media and get transferred to our daily diet of fear, anger and resentment.

At the moment that we do something that is not in our true value system, we believe that what we are doing is justified. At that moment our ‘demons’ are telling us that the consequences are going to be less than immediate rewards. And of course we look around to see if any is watching our lapse. Quantum mechanics tells us that a field of energy is created from ourselves when take an action. This ‘field’ affects the entire universe..every so slightly, but the effect is there.

You are never alone, or isolated in any task you perform.

The totality of all things goes through one opening; the roots of all affairs come from one gate.

Witness the miracles that occur when you rejoin humanity and are no longer separate from anything, anyone, anywhere, at any time.

Have a peaceful week.

Nate Klarfeld

300 Words

Generally speaking, the order of things is as follows: First there is your state of mind, then something happens to you (remember here that it could be good, or bad). Next in line is your “gut” reaction to it, you think about it (hopefully) and then comes your response.

Below is a list of over 300 words that describe emotions. If you have
a tough time expressing yourself verbally, print out this list
and use it when you know you feel something, but are unsure
of what words to use to describe it. The better you can express
yourself, the better other people can understand you, and the
more positive the outcome of any given situation can be.

Abandoned	Cool	Flabbergasted	Keen	Puny	Tender
Accepted	Cranky	Frantic	Kooky	Quarrelsome	Tenuous
Adequate	Cruel	Friendly	Laconic	Queer	Tense
Adamant	Crushed	Frightened	Lazy	Quiet	Tentative
Affectionate	Culpable	Frustrated	Lecherous	Raging	Terrible
Agonized	Curious	Free	Left out	Rapture	Terrified
Aggressive	Crazy	Full	Licentious	Reasonable	Tired
Alarmed	Deceitful	Furious	Limp	Refreshed	Thwarted
Almighty	Defeated	Gay	Lonely	Rejected	Tolerant
Altruistic	Delighted	Generous	Longing	Relaxed	Trapped
Ambivalent	Depressed	Genuine	Loving	Relieved	Triumphant
Angry	Deserving	Giddy	Low	Religious	Troubled
Annoyed	Desirous	Giving	Loyal	Remarkable	Ugly
Anxious	Desperate	Glad	Lustful	Remorseful	Unappreciated
Apathetic	Despairing	Good	Mad	Restless	Understanding
Appreciative	Destructive	Grateful	Marvelous	Resentful	Uneasy
Apprehensive	Determined	Gratified	Maudlin	Reverent	Unresponsive
Ashamed	Devastated	Greedy	Mean	Rewarded	Unsettled
Astounded	Devilish	Grievous	Melancholy	Righteous	Unsure
Attractive	Different	Groovy	Miserable	Sad	Vengeful
Awed	Diffident	Guileless	Misunderstood	Safe	Violent
Awkward	Diminished	Guilty	Mystical	Sated	Vehement
Bad	Discontented	Gullible	Naked	Satisfied	Vital
Bashful	Disjointed	Happy	Naughty	Scared	Vitality
Beautiful	Disoriented	Hateful	Needy	Screwed	Vulnerable
Betrayed	Disrespected	Healthy	Nervous	Screwed up	Vivacious
Bewildered	Dissatisfied	Heavenly	Nice	Self-reliant	Weepy
Bitter	Distracted	Helpless	Numb	Selfish	Wicked
Blissful	Distraught	Helpful	Nutty	Servile	Wise
Boisterous	Disturbed	High	Obnoxious	Settled	Wishful
Bold	Divided	Homesick	Obsessed	Sexy	Wishy-washy
Bored	Dominated	Honored	Obese	Shamed	Wonderful
Brave	Doubtful	Hopeful	Odd	Shocked	Weepy
Broken	Dubious	Humorous	Omnipotent	Shot down	Worried
Burdened	Eager	Hurt	Opposed	Shy	Wacky
Calm	Easy going	Hysterical	Optimistic	Sickened	Youthful
Capable	Ecstatic	Ignored	Ornery	Silly	Zany
Captivated	Elated	Immortal	Outraged	Sincere	Zapped
Challenged	Electrified	Imposed upon	Out of touch	Skeptical	Zealous
Charmed	Empty	Impressed	Overwhelmed	Sneaky	Zombie
Cheated	Enchanted	Imprisoned	Pained	Solemn
Cheerful	Energetic	In control	Panicked	Sorrowful
Childish	Enervated	Indecisive	Parsimonious	Spiteful
Clever	Enjoying	Infatuated	Pathetic	Startled
Closed	Envious	Infuriated	Peaceful	Stingy
Collected	Excited	Innocent	Persecuted	Strange
Combative	Exhilarated	Insecure	Pessimistic	Stubborn
Comfortable	Evil	Inspired	Petrified	Stuffed
Competent	Exasperated	Intimidated	Pitiful	Stupid
Competitive	Exhausted	Involved	Playful	Stupefied
Complicated	Exposed	Irresponsible	Pleasant	Suffering
Concerned	Fantastic	Irreverent	Pleased	Sure
Condemned	Fascinated	Isolated	Practical	Supportive
Confused	Fawning	Jealous	Pressured	Sympathetic
Conspicuous	Fearful	Joyous	Pretty	Talkative
Contented	Feminine	Jumpy	Prim	Teary
Contrite	Flustered	Kicky	Prissy	Tempted
Controlled	Foolish	Kind	Proud	Tenacious

Have a Peaceful Week

Nate Klarfeld