Our Stories vs. The Truth

Our Stories vs. The Truth

Nate Klarfeld

When something happens in our lives we explain it to ourselves and others through our own personal point of view. We filter many of the facts naturally to protect ourselves from ugly truths – or ignore obvious gaffs in judgment. We’ve all heard Dr. Phil say it many times, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN?”

There are facts and there are our stories. Facts are things everyone can agree on and verify with our senses. It’s cold, it’s January, it’s 3:00 PM. Stories are another matter. “I stayed in bed today because it was too cold to go to work, my boss got mad at me for no reason and I’ll probably lose my job.” It is obvious from the previous statement that 1) this person believes “the story” as truth. 2) The consequences of this truth cannot be “their fault” 3) If the story is accepted, then the thinking behind it is valid and can be repeated successfully.

Most of us are caught up in the stories we believe about ourselves, other people and our relationships. We have forgotten that theses stories ARE stories and that we made them up.

Some stories are helpful in putting things in different perspectives, or to show there can be underlying reasons for behavior or circumstances. But many times we become tightly bound to our stories, If the person who stayed in bed on a cold January morning really believes bosses get mad for no reason – they will have a more difficult time in employment situations and may be more resistant to change.

I believe that a therapist, life coach, or a listening outside party is a good way for us to see how we created and continue to create theses stories so that we can rewrite them. Some simple interrupting questions from an outsider such as; “Am I understanding you fully?” “Is there anything I’m missing?” “Are you sure that is all there is to it?”

In our popular culture we all become armchair Dr. Phils to the circus that unfolds before us daily in the media. Brittney Spears, Rev. Ted Haggard, Sen. Larry Craig, Sarah Palin, Tiger Woods, all have their own stories that support their behavior but seem almost a fantasy when the bright lights are turned on. What WERE they thinking? They were thinking but with their filters, walls, and preconceived judgments at such high alert that facts, reality, consequences of actions, all hide in the shadows.

In the end what we really want to answer is; “What makes your heart dance?” Work towards that life.

Have a peaceful week.

Nate Klarfeld

Why Rabbi Shmuley Won’t Invite me on the Bimah of the West Side Jewish Center

Nate Klarfeld

You have to have been living under a rock to not hear of the antics of octodad Jon Gosselin, his Jewish nanny, his soon to be ex wife Kate and the reality show “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” You also were under the same rock if you haven’t heard of, been a part of discussion, or have an opinion on same sex marriage. What do the two have to do with one another? Enter “America’s Rabbi” Rabbi Shmuley Boteach; advisor to Michael Jackson, Oprah Winfrey and thousands of dedicated readers through his best seller “Kosher Sex.” And a few weeks ago Rabbi Boteach invited Jon Gosselin to the Bimah (altar) of the West Side Jewish Center in New York.

Of course I must remind my gentle readers that I myself am an out and proud Jewish gay man, happily partnered, with high self esteem for both myself and my community. I attend a gay shul, light Shabbat candles with my partner, and put on a Seder that would make both my Bubbe and event planners proud. I was raised as an orthodox Jew, complete with a Bar Mitzvah in a shul with a wall between the men and women, married a woman under a chuppah, and went to the mikveh before I wrote the last words of a Torah I helped dedicate to a synagogue in my father’s memory. My late father, Ely Klarfeld, owned a kosher butcher shop and catering company in St. Louis for 30 years. I have seen the joys and underbellies of Judaism and for these reasons I feel compelled to voice my rage over Rabbi Shmuley and Jon Gosselin.

Let me start with a quote from Rabbi Boteach on Jon Gosselin said from the Bimah (altar) at the West Side Jewish Center “In the case of John Gosselin my reading of him from many conversations with him and many counseling sessions is that he’s a man with a good heart who sincerely wants to correct many of the mistakes he’s made having gotten carried away with fame.

After this Gosselin told the audience of 50 guests and 75 reporters, "I am sorry for doing the things that I did." He spoke openly about his indiscretions since splitting with wife Kate, which include three reported flings, saying, "I want to apologize to Kate in private. I'll apologize to her for openly having relationships in the public eye.

The 32-year-old dad, who recently claimed he is "half-Korean and half-Jewish," went on to say that he was "troubled to learn that the media has accepted as true the scurrilous rumor that I would appear in a reality television program with Nadya Suleman."

For those of you with a moral compass who still have their lunch in their guts I want you to imagine if Jon Gosselin were gay. If it were a Jewish male nanny he was schtupping on the dining room table while the kids slept, would Rabbi Shmuley have reached out to this man with a good heart? Don’t bet on it. Rabbi Boteach has evaded the question of supporting same sex marriage, upholding orthodox law that treats it as an abomination. It is true that Rabbi Shmuley has said that the uproar about same sex marriage is a smokescreen for not facing the true problems of heterosexual marriage; he would uphold the ideal of fundamentalist Jewish law that would accept the gay man but ask him to be celibate. Hate the sin but love the sinner is abhorrent to me. I do not sin in loving my husband. Why aren’t the Hasidim (fundamentalist orthodox Jews) protesting outside Red Lobster? Shellfish, pork, marrying a non-virgin, allowing illegitimate children inside a church or temple, boys with undescended testicles are all abominations according to the Bible. (By the way, who checked the males’ testicles?) If the orthodox Jews can pick and choose, if the fundamentalists Christains can, why can’t I. According to my studies, the definition of marriage in the Bible is one man and as many women as he can afford including daughters. Pretty much of an “Ick Factor” to me. I choose the parts of the Torah that taught me to think, see both sides of issues, Tikun Olam (fix the world) and have compassion and not judge.

My partner and I are active in Gay and Lesbian community work here in Ft. Lauderdale. We have run support groups, taught safer sex education, HIV awareness, and counseled the youth groups at high schools and Jewish Day Schools. Our hearts go out to the young men and women who still live in fear of coming out. One third of all youth suicides have to do with conflicts of sexual identity. We have heard of orthodox Jewish families who after losing a son or daughter to gender identity suicide, refuse to name another child (traditional in Jewish families) after the gay one for fear or shame or both. We get anonymous emails from Yeshiva students wrestling with questions and conflict, as well as having symptoms of STD’s from furtive engagements.

All this leads me back to my original question. Would Rabbi Shmuley Boteach have put Jon Gosselin on the Bimah if he were gay? Would he still be a man with a good heart who sought redemption? No, I think not. Rabbi Shmuley put him up there because it’s good for business, whether it be getting the word out or getting his name out. My late father told me once that if Rabbis could get away with it, they’d make a pig kosher. From the picture above, it looks like Rabbi Boteach already has.

Have a peaceful week.

Nate Klarfeld

(Rabbi Boteach sells Bobbleheads of himself at http://www.shmuley.com/store/books $14.95 plus shipping and tax)

Lies, The Internet, and Other Misdemeanors

Lies, The Internet, and Other Misdemeanors

My friends and family of the right wing persuasion have finally figured out to take me off their distribution lists for those viral emails that circulate about the internets. It was a lesson hard taught, because I felt obliged to obsessively research the facts and then reply to those emails, systematically destroying the wingnut talking points. You humiliate those wingnuts enough times, and they take you off their email lists.

Now, not everyone has the OCD to research and debunk these talking points, nor the need to be so...well, frankly, confrontational. So for people like that (you know, the ones much nicer than me), Media Matters has created an action site just for you. In it, they take some of the common viral emails--and then write responses to them, debunking the lies and very politely suggesting that the sender might want to use that gray matter lodged in his noggin for more than regurgitating Hannity. (I paraphrase, of course)

For example:

From: XXXXX@aol.com
To: XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com
Date: Saturday, August 01, 2009 6:18 AM
Subject: Fw: Senior's death warrent

SENIOR DEATH WARRANTS:

The actress Natasha Richardson died after falling skiing in Canada. It took eight hours to drive her to a hospital. If Canada had our healthcare she might be alive today. We now have helicopters that would have gotten her to the hospital in 30 minutes. Obama wants to have our healthcare like Canada's and England's.

In England anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs or stents or bypass because it is not covered as being too expensive and not needed.

I got this today and am sending it on. If Obama's plans in other areas don't scare you, this should.

Please do not let Obama sign senior death warrants.

Everybody that is on this mailing list is either a senior citizen, is getting close or knows somebody that is.

Most of you know by now that the Senate version (at least) of the "stimulus" Bill includes provisions for extensive rationing of health care for senior citizens.

The author of this part of the bill, former senator and tax evader, Tom Daschle was credited today by Bloomberg with the following statement.

Bloomberg: Daschle says "health-care reform will not be pain free. Seniors should be more accepting of the conditions that come with age instead of treating them."

If this does not sufficiently raise your ire, just remember that Senators and Congressmen have their own healthcare plan that is first dollar or very low co-pay which they are guaranteed the remainder of their lives and are not subject to this new law if it passes.

Please use the power of the Internet to get this message out. Talk it up at the grassroots level.... We have an election coming up in one year and nine months. We have the ability to Address and reverse the dangerous direction the Obama administration and it allies have begun and in the interim, we can make their lives miserable.

Lets do it! If you disagree, don't do anything.

Media Matters' response?

Hey, thanks for forwarding along that email.

It's nuts how many rumors are swirling around out there about the health bills. It's hard to know which ones are true and which ones are just crazy internet rumors.

If this one were true, I'd be pretty upset - so I decided to see if I could find out for myself.

It turns out Tom Daschle never even said that about "seniors should be more accepting of the conditions that come with age." Apparently that quote actually comes from a woman who is adamantly against any health care improvements named Betsy McCaughey. When a reporter confronted her about the chain email, even she admitted it wasn't true, saying "I regret any misrepresentations made by others of my work or Mr. Daschle's views."

You can read it yourself here: http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2009/apr/03/chain-email/daschle-didnt-say-seniors-seniors-should-accept-ra/

As for Natasha Richardson, that was heartbreaking. I remember when I heard, I couldn't believe it! But the email lies about her already tragic situation.

It did take a while for her to visit a hospital, but that's because she initially said she wasn't hurt. A Bloomberg news story said "She initially laughed off her fall and said she was fine." And Fox News says the first ambulance that showed up was even turned away.

A few hours later she was taken to a hospital when she got a headache, but by then it was too late.

If you want to know more, you can read these articles: http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601088&sid=aXuH_CcQz_Vs&refer=muse
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,509749,00.html

As for England, I found a cool website called FactCheck.org that examined the claim about "England anyone over 59 cannot receive heart repairs or stents or bypass because it is not covered as being too expensive and not needed." They said that just wasn't true.

But all of that should be irrelevant - because no one even wants Canada's health care system. The president and Democrats in congress know that we have been paying too much, for too long, for too little and are trying to find a "uniquely American solution" to control costs.

The same website actually shows that this entire email is pretty much made up, check it out: http://www.factcheck.org/2009/07/englands-and-canadas-health-care/

All these emails going around are pretty scary, but it's important to figure out if they're true. After doing some research, I can say for sure this one is filled with lies.

See? Much nicer than I would have been (and far fewer swear words), and yet, still getting the truth out there.

Go check out MM's Email Checker. If you've received a viral email that you don't see, you are welcome to send it to Media Matters so they can add it to their collection and give you a response.

The Tel Aviv Gay Bombings, The Birmingham Church Massacre; History Teaches Us?

70,000 in Tel Aviv for vigil, August 8, 2009

1963 Birmingham Church Bombing

The Tel Aviv Gay Massacre, the Birmingham Church Bombings; History Teaches Us?

Lethal dynamite has made Sunday, September 15, 1963, a Day of Sorrow and Shame in Birmingham, Alabama. Four who were attending Sunday School at the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church were killed. Their bodies were stacked up on top of each other like bales of hay from the crumbling ruins left by the dynamiting. They were girls. They were children. They were members of a minority; African Americans. They were victims of cruel madness, the vile bigotry and the deadly hate of unknown persons.

Society in a free country has a solemn responsibility to itself and those who make it up. Free men are bound by an irrevocable civic contract to safeguard the rights, safety, and security of all of its members.

More than 70,000 people thronged Tel Aviv on Saturday evening, August 8^th, 2009 for an event to express solidarity with the homosexual community after a deadly attack on a gay club a week ago, organizers said.

President Shimon Peres was among speakers at the meeting on Yitzhak Rabin Square outside the city hall.

"The shots which struck this proud community affected us all as human beings, as Jews and as Israelis. The man who targeted the two victims targeted all of us," Peres said.

Two people died when a masked, black-clad gunman opened fire on the group of young gays and lesbians at the entrance to the community center in the heart of Israel’s commercial capital late on Saturday August 1, 2009.

These two horrible incidents 46 years apart reflect how bigotry and hatred have not changed in five decades. Whether it is right wing zealots or racist politicians, the Reverend Dobson or the late Gov. George Wallace, the result is the same. People will be driven to violence when a group of people, a minority gays or African Americans are minimized and discriminated against.

Both deadly actions were followed by demonstrations and pleas for understanding. In 1963 two additional youths lost their lives in bloody riots. Thankfully, so far no additional lives were lost in Israel. However bomb threats were called in for the demonstration held last Saturday, not unlike the KKK that threatened the church services for the slain little girls in Birmingham.

The Orthodox Jewish community of Israel has blood on its hands for calling homosexuality a perversion. They, like Lester Maddox, George Wallace, and the KKK have stirred hate and for that, there is no excuse. I am ashamed today to have been raised an Orthodox Jew. They have sullied the name of religion forever in my heart.

Have a peaceful and inclusive week.

Nate Klarfeld

Power vs. Force

Power vs. Force

The skillful are not obvious

They appear to be simple-minded

Those who know this know the patterns of the Absolute

To know the patterns is the Subtle Power

The Subtle Power moves all things and has no name

Many of us spend a lot of our time developing our physical strength. We are inspired to work out, to build a strong, athletic body—but is being strong the only sign of our true personal power? What if physical force was only one aspect of power? What if we could find a way to truly feel we are powerful in a way that includes all aspects of who we are—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual?

Look at our top athletes. Can a gymnast win Olympic gold with pure strength alone? No, he/she needs focus and grounding as well as a strong body. Can a wrestler succeed only with brute force? No, he/she needs flexibility, both physical and mental, to really achieve. So, let's reframe power. Let's say that in order to be truly powerful, you will need to have not only physical strength and courage, but will also need to develop focus, grounding, and flexibility with the same amount of effort and diligence.

We can build our bodies to exert great Force. But where does the Power come from? Can we achieve anything with just force? Or do we need an inner power to drive us, to give us meaning, and display the qualities of a real winner.

If a politician or political party uses the threat of Force or Fear to gain acceptance there will be some success, but eventually the energy it takes to constantly plant the force will drain both the politician and the community. Force has to be constantly justified, Power does not because it has meaning. A simple example of Power vs Force is the difference between Barack Obama and Dick Cheney. One will be remembered for his use of power, the other will be stained with a repetitive use of force that both failed him and our country.

But back to our own bodies and minds. To channel our strengths we need

Focus

Flexibility

Grounding

Focus

What are we working towards with exercise, diet, or studying? How will this change our experiences? Do we want to live longer? Look better? Increase our stamina? What will you look like and feel when you have achieved this? Focus keeps us on the right track.

Flexibility

Which is stronger; a palm tree or telephone pole? In a storm the palm tree bends and the telephone pole breaks. If a plan is not working, you need flexibility to move in a different direction and still achieve your end goal. Sometimes you need strength (Force) and other times you need to let the Power move you on and up.

Grounding

I believe that the people that you choose to surround yourself with are the most important facet of achieving a successful, content life. They can reflect and give you quality feedback only if they share your values, goals and life’s script. Many times we hang on to relationships that are forever toxic “for old times’ sake” only to fine that the never ending drip-drip of negativity is draining our energy to make our own lives real. Your friends and loved ones should be a source of positive energy, not guilt, reminders of failure, and bad past experiences.

Use your Power

Have a peaceful week

Nate Klarfeld

What Do You Really Want...and What Will You Do to Keep from Getting It?

What Do You Really Want…and What Will You Do to Keep From Getting It?

If you have ever wanted to change something in your life, be it lose weight, stop smoking, start going to the gym, change careers; you know that almost as soon as the thought comes into your mind, a powerful force strikes you. “That’s not me. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough, smart enough or rich enough to pull that off. That is for other people. I’m just not that lucky. Bad Genes and Bad Luck. Never going to happen to me.”

So you try and go for it. Join a gym, take a class, start to meditate, and you may even see results, but somewhere the old tapes come up again, seemingly out of nowhere. We seem programmed to stay the same even when we know better. We stay in the same job, keep falling into the same relationships, debt and guilt that seem to be stamped on our lives.

What then is the key to unlocking our own handcuffs?

The Man in the Mirror

I know this week with Michael Jackson’s death and over exposed news coverage this might be a bad time to use that phrase, but it really does work. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you look at yourself in the mirror? Too fat? Too Old? Most people have been trained to feel uncomfortable about their looks and shape. Only a very few people have perfect bodies, perfect ‘age’, or skin, and even those that do rarely feel that way. What do you really see? Are you compassionate to your friends? Do you have interests in your community? Do you have something valuable to give to society? Answer these four questions in front of the mirror and keep them handy.

People work to their self image

You will always perform at a level equal to your self-image.

Our self-image is the portrait we have of ourselves. It’s the picture we’ve created about ourselves and is commonly based on past experience. So if a new desire for improvement is introduced and it conflicts with our current self-image, it is doomed to fail.

Our actions, behaviors and discipline are all heavily influenced by our self-image. Even if you force yourself via will power to do things beyond your self-image, you won’t be able to sustain it for very long.

You will go back to the old behaviors consistent with your belief about yourself because you act from this belief.

What one action do you need to do tomorrow to affect change? Get information about a gym? Talk to someone about taking a course? Set up a timetable to get a job done? Do one thing a day towards what you really want. Change one part of your behavior and then your body and mind will follow.

It is very hard to sustain significant changes in behavior without changes in individuals’ underlying meanings that give rise to their behaviors.

The first question I ask of your ‘excuses’ is “IS IT TRUE?” really true? Where did this meaning come from? A childhood incidence? A relatives’ offhand remark? One of the most powerful voices we have is how we speak to ourselves. It’s not just the content but actually ‘how’ we speak to ourselves that becomes toxic.

In my own life I have a saying I came up with that helps me when I get in a downward spiral of bad self talk. I say to myself; “Stop complaining and start committing. Committing to self awareness, sticking to my values, and becoming the change I want to see.

Have a peaceful week.

Nate Klarfeld

But Wait, There's More!!

“But Wait…There’s More!!!”

Lost in the past few weeks’ trifecta of celeb deaths; MJ, FF and Ed McM, was the loss Billy Mays, pitchman extraordinaire. No one on the planet hasn’t heard; “I’m Billy Mays for OxyClean! (Hercules Hooks, Big City Sliders, etc) and stopped and wondered why they were captivated by his energy, voice, and vigor.

I have to admit, I would have never bought OxyClean, or my Big City Slider Pan (which by the way makes excellent low fat turkey burgers) had it not been for Billy’s constant loud voice booming on cable channels begging me to try his product.

But what was he really selling? Did anything he pitch for a necessity of life? Food, Clothing, Shelter, Education? Nope, what Billy Mays sold us was HOPE.

Hope that somehow his tchotcke (my mother taught me you cannot misspell a transliteration) would make our lives a tiny bit easier. That one scoop, one pan, one saw, one set of knives would bring us light into our normally dark world. We knew when we opened the package that the dream would never fit the reality, but we bought again and again. Hope springs eternal especially for insomniacs addicted to reruns of “House”.

And we believed him. Industry spokesmen have said his sales were over a billion dollars in his lifetime and will continue as several infomercials will continue after his death.

Some might call this crass, but it was what Billy would have wanted….

But Wait…There’s More

RIP

Billy Mays

Have a peaceful week

Nate Klarfeld